“What are you doing for Halloween?”
Oh great, it’s the question I never want to hear.
“What if we all went to a haunted house?”
All right, that one’s worse.
I put on a smile and lie through my teeth, as I typically do around this time of year.
“I’ll ask my mom, but she’ll probably say no.”
I feel bad, I really do, but I’m just saving myself from looking like an idiot. I’m not afraid of Halloween or getting scared.
I’m actually terrified.
I have a phobia. A phobia that’s so scary, so horrifying, and so, so, stupid.
I am scared of Halloween decorations
Okay, before you start laughing at me, I feel like I should clarify.
I’m talking the long-legged-multi-eyed-grotesque-hellspawns.
Yes, I’m talking electronic Halloween decorations.
I can hear you saying it now, so let me just respond to the questions you may have:
“You know they’re not real, right?” Yes, I am fully aware of this. “And they’re also not going to hurt you?” Yes, they would not exist if they did hurt people. “Why are you so scared then?” You know, that’s a really good question, why don’t you tell me? It’s a phobia, you know, an irrational fear?
I have no idea why I completely stop in my tracks if I see a Halloween decoration. I have no idea why I completely avoid any house on Halloween night that’s ‘too scary’ for my taste. I have no idea except for the fact that I’m scared. It’s irrational and it’s stupid and I feel stupid for even being scared in the first place.
Not to be dramatic, but it’s debilitating— especially in autumn when decorations start to pop up. I seriously can’t trust any store to not have a Halloween section.
I’m not safe at Target.
I’m not even safe at Lowes.
And in a tragic turn of events, even my beloved Dollar General has been cursed by Halloween decor. It hurts my heart, really.
And It’s all because some MAN (I say man because a woman would never torture people like this) decided that it was a good idea to add motion sensors to Halloween decorations. If I ever met him I’d like to ask him why he would ever begin to think of making something so uselessly terrifying. (and then proceed to beat him up.) There was no reason good enough to make this a reality. The world has not gotten better at all because of this invention, and you know what? I’d even like to argue it’s gotten significantly worse!
However, not all hope is lost for me! The good news is that I’ve been trying exposure therapy (aka going to Spirit Halloween aka my personal hell.
Before I get into it, I’d just like to formally apologize to everyone that has ever gone with me to that god forsaken store because I turn into the worst version of myself as soon as I’m within a five-foot radius of it. My fight or flight instantly kicks in and I, as the most chill person on earth, chose the secret third option of ‘fight or flight’ which is to cling onto the nearest victim— I mean person.
Who can really blame me though? The aura of a Spirit Halloween is something honestly indescribable— like a smorgasbord of edgy fandoms, overgeneralized time periods, killer clowns reminiscent of 2016, and totally-not-offensive ‘sexy nuns’. Oh, and of course you can’t forget the zombie baby decorations. Can a house ever truly be a home without one? (seriously, why is there a market for zombie baby decorations?)
So yes, I am scared of Halloween decorations.
And so what?
I’m tired of hiding it. I used to just avoid saying why I would refuse to go down the Halloween aisle or skip out on haunted houses, but now I’ve finally accepted it.
I’m just a baby.
I’ll keep doing exposure therapy (even though I don’t think it’s working), and I’ll try to be brave.
But I’m still not going to that haunted house, and you can’t make me.